Walking Thoughts

...A beautiful clear day 58 degrees on the mainland, 52 degrees at the beach, and I am free.

Driving to the beach I appreciate what a perfect day it is after all that rain. The bay is a lovely color blue, reflecting the clear, brilliant blue of the sky today. I am excited, can't believe how lucky I am to get away on a day like today. Walking on the beach I can do no more than breathe and move my legs; I am struck by the beauty of the sky with its graduated blues and a definite horizon line between it and the ocean.

I walk the few blocks to the fishing pier expecting to see my man friend (his wife died about 2 years ago, he has not been the same since her death, I wonder if he misses her or if he never knew how much he loved her. He has been at the spot for 14 years that I can recall) who is always there-- for I have brought him the last of this year's Truffles.He is not there; I will continue to walk and breath, I ponder a little because he is always there, maybe a bathroom break, he will be there on my way back.

I hide the candies by a rock and hope that a dog with keen smell and a love for chocolate will not happen to pass by. The sand is smooth and packed well by the rains, no smell of rotten clams and such today. I should not have worn the turtleneck, I wasn't sure of the wind conditions, but there is no wind. The sun is glaring and low in the sky, oh well, I will enjoy the sweat. Warmed up I decide to run a few blocks, a dog joins me, I wait for it's owner, he asks if the dog can run with me (he is an older man, doesn't look like he does much running) I say sure and make the deal that he will hold my keys, they are bothering me. Ok deal complete; one Annie type dog for a car that has a fouling spark plug and I believe needs engine work and a very messy house, I'll keep the PC and my AOL list, he can have his dog too, I have a large yard. I'm not worried!!! Wait, what happened to the beach story?

The dog is a great partner we run about a mile...he tires before me. Now I am barely breathing yet my legs can still is hard to look up so I watch the sand, no rubbish, lots of broken shells and those awful birds dropping clams and pooping. I look at all the sea foam gathered in piles after the waves break against the shore, I think of gathering them all together and assembling a picture. Walk more blocks, past the fishing pier, no man. I am walking into the sun now and it is bright and promising. I look forward to the summer, even though the beaches are too busy for me then.

I stop at my favorite rocks, the tide is low so I can lay on it and feel the coolness and know that this rock has been here for awhile and will be there for longer than I am around..but it is and has been my rock. It is the perfect size for stretching out and a panoramic view is afforded from all angles that I turn my head. Looking straight up today, there is nothing but robin's egg blue sky, even the sun is parked out of this view. Turning to my left, there is a picture perfect view of the fishing pier and the shoreline houses with the ocean in the forefront, and the casino monsters in the background. The lighting is perfect, the
white of the houses illuminated, the deepest color blue I have ever seen is in the ocean today, and the vast stretch of sand after the rocks lends such texture to the whole scene. I wonder how long I can look in this direction before I get a sore neck. I decide it is worth the pain, and drink in the scene for much longer hoping to make an imprint in my mind's eye, but I know that won't happen.....

I turn to the right and the sun is too bright to look in this direction so I close my eyes and experience the darkness and feel the heat of the sun on my front and the cool of the rock on my back. I use this time to count my blessings, which are innumerable, and I am a bad counter anyway. So I go on to dream about one day knowing CW and being able to make worldwide contacts and not talking about my kids, dinner, laundry or any of that personal stuff...because I think that without a voice no one will know I am a woman....

Wait a minute I say!!!
AOL doesn't have a voice and people just ask more personal questions and it is harder yet to not get personal. Does this mean that my dream of doing Morse, since I was 7, can no longer exist for me? Too deep for such a beautiful I turn my attention to the sounds of the ocean. My body feels like an ear pressed up against a shell once I concentrate on the all encompassing environmental sounds.

The ocean is rolling thunder...with the crashing of the waves in perfect unison and rhythm. I feel my heart beating in time with them, or perhaps it just got back to normal after racing the dog. By now I feel like a part of my rock and am thinking that if I don't move soon I may never do it.



This page created December 30, 1996
Copyright © 1996-2000 M. Fenichel