Humor from Cyberspace

• If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
  
  
• When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
  
  
• I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
  
  
• My stigmata's acting up.
  
  
• I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
  
  
• I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
  
  
• I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
  
  
• Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
  
  
• Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
  
  
• I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
  
  
• The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
  
  
• The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
  
  
• I prefer to remain an enigma.
  
  
• My step other has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
  
  
• I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
  
  
• I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
  
  
• I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
  
  
• I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
  
  
• I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
  
  

[Gee, some of these don't sound so "true" to me!!! :-) ]

1. Irving was absent this morning becarse he missed his bust.
2. Dear School: Please accuse John for being absent on January 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, also 33.
3. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in with gramps.
4. I had to keep Billie home because she ad to go Christmas shopping because I didn't know what size she wear.
5. Please execute Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
6. Mary could not come to school because she was bothered by very close veins.
7. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
8. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
9. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
10. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
11. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fisical ed. Please execute him.
12. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
13. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marine's.
14. Please excuse Joyce from P7E for a few days. Yesterday she fell of a tree and misplaced her hip.
15. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
16. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
17. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomache. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be the flu going around school, her father even got hot last night.
18. Ralph was absent yesterday because of a sore trout.
19. Please execute Wayne for being out yesterday, because he had the fuel.
20. Please excuse Sarah for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.