HUMOR FROM CYBERSPACE

The Best of Internet Humor




What follows is a compilation of some very funny stuff I've received via e-mail from some very excellent (and unexpected) sources. Here you'll find the greatest hits of my email files -- which maybe now I can delete! Jokes, mostly, but some great url's as well. Unsolicited, and not necessarily reflecting any viewpoint or endorsement of my own. I only know this: these all made me laugh-- out loud.

I've read some pretty spicy things as well, but I'll not put anything raunchy or explicit on this page. A brain is required. Anything of a strictly "adult" appeal here will most likely bore those who are either learning to read or on a search for "adult humor" of the crudest variety! That said ...

Have Fun!


Christmas | Computers | Courtroom | Excuses | Managed Care | Politics | Relationships | School | Science | Words | Work


Computers, Cyberspace & Internet



Computer Humor
An ode to the joys of computer wrestling, homage to Admiral Bill Gates, Computer Jargon, Y2K and Technology Addiction. (Fenichel)

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Courtroom Humor

Courtroom Bloopers
Some of the funniest transcripts I've seen (edited).

The OJ Trial
As recounted by OJ to Dr. Seuss. (Where's Ken Starr when you need him?)

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Education

As a change of pace, I thought you might appreciate this.
Kathie [Thank you, Kathie!]
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RULES FOR WRITERERS

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words> however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And finally...
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

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5th-6th Grade Science Class
[This one courtesy of Michele Z -Tnx]
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The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the 'most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.'

*Question: What is one horsepower?
*Answer:One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

*You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how> close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

*Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

*The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

*When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

*When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

*Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

*While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

*Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

*South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

*Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

*Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

*A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

*There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

*There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

*Lime is a green-tasting rock.

*Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

*Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

*Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

*Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

*Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

*We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

*To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

*In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

*Clouds are high flying fogs.

*I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

*Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

*Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

*Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water. We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.

*Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

*Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

*In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

*Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

*A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

*A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

*A monsoon is a French gentleman.

*Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

*Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

*It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

*The wind is like the air, only pushier.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Actual answers, and spelling, in a U.S. 6th grade history test:
[This one courtesy of "Sima's Cousin Lester", via R&S Fenichel]
--------------------------

  1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

  2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

  3. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

  4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

  5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

  6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

  7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

  8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

  9. Queen Elizabeth was the'Virgin Queen.' As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

  10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Fransis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.

  11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

  12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

  13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

  14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

  15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his aftic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

  16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

  17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles DarvAn was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
Indeed!   :-)

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Excuses

Absence from Work

School Absences

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Managed Care

Humor - Managed Care (HMOs)
--courtesy of Earl & JS

A managed care company president was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since she was unable to go, she gave the ticket to one of her managed care reviewers. The next morning she asked him how he had enjoyed it. Instead of a few observations about the symphony in general, she was handed a formal memorandum which read as follows:

  1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, avoiding peaks of inactivity.
  2. All 12 violins were playing identical notes. This seems an unneeded duplication, and the staff of this section should be cut. If a volume of sound is really required, this could be accomplished with the use of an amplifier.
  3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This appears to be an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes be rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done it would be possible to use paraprofessionals instead of experienced musicians.
  4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated then the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.
  5. The symphony had two movements. If Mr. Schubert didn't achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement,then he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Mr. Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had time to finish the symphony.

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Politics!

Bill and Monica (Limerick)
Written pre-impeachment, by Yours truly, 11-98

Capitol Steps OnLine
The sharpest political satire in America! Zany troop of former political aides, pokes fun at both political parties with equal mirth and mercilessness. Like watching Monty Python with an American accent. Very funny, and now regularly updated with new material.

Election 2000: Bush vs. Gore
As described by some of our favorite literary sources.

Official Monster Raving Loony Alliance Party Daft Manifesto
All the more funny because it's the actual campaign platform of British zany & would be rocker Lord Sutch. Tnx, Ian! [Color Line]

Relationships

50 Facts About Men
A Female Perspective

Men's Life Styles Through the Ages

The Truth About Personal Ads

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Science

Archeology, Hobbies, and Barbie Dolls
One of my favorites. Truth is stranger than fiction! A letter from the Smithsonian to an amateur archeologist.

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Words

Clever puns, Spoonerisms & Wordplay
I believe I can attribute this largely to the Underhill family, as compiled by John Searles (and shared here with permission). In addition are two contributions by renowned film composer, Davey Spear. Thanks to both, and Happy New Year! (2010)

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Work - Workplace

Resigning with Style
Another true story of justice mixed with humor. (See also the "Archeology..." item above.)
What to do about a so-called supervisor whose knowledge of your work is next to nothing. (Thanks to Arnold L.)

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More Jokes to go HERE! AQUI! VOILA!

Just as soon as that man gets finished working! [Under Construction-Always]

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Please let me know if you would like to be credited (or discredited) for any of the jokes in the above collection.
Thank you!

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Last Update: Friday, 01-Jan-2010 21:11:19 CST