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[Color Line]

Forwarded message:
From: Eldora Baillie (via Scott)
Date: 96-12-06 11:19:24 EST
Subject: 50 Facts About Men

**************************************

50 facts about men. (This was written by a woman.)

  1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
  2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
  3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
  4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich"usually cancels out the nice of "bald".
  5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
  6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
  7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
  8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
  9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
  10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
  11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
  12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
  13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
  14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
  15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
  16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
  17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
  18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
  19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
  20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
  21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
  22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
  23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
  24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
  25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
  26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
  27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
  28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
  29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
  30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
  31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
  32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
  33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
  34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
  35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
  36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
  37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
  38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
  39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
  40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
  41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
  42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
  43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
  44. . Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
  45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
  46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
  47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
  48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
  49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
  50. All men would still really like to own a train set.

Men's Life Styles Through the Ages

AGE - DRINK

17 - beer
25 - beer
35 - vodka
48 - double vodka
66 - Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE

17 - My parents are away for the weekend.
25 - My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 - My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 - My wife is away for the weekend.
66 - My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT

17 - sex
25 - sex
35 - sex
48 - sex
66 - napping

DRUG

17 - pot
25 - coke
35 - really good coke
48 - power
66 - coke, a limousine, the company jet

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 - "tongue"
25 - "breakfast"
35 - "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 - "I didn't bump into her kids."
66 - "Got home alive."

FAVORITE FANTASY

17 - getting to third
25 - airplane sex
35 - menage a trois
48 - taking his company public
66 - Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET

17 - roaches
25 - stoned-out college roommate
35 - Irish setter
48 - children from his first marriage
66 - Barbi

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 - 25
25 - 35
35 - 48
48 - 66
66 - 17

IDEAL DATE

17 - Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 - "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 - "Just come over."
48 - "Just come over and cook."
66 - sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank
[Color Line]

Subject: The Truth About Personal Ads

>> >The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads

>> >FIRST, THE WOMEN
>> >
>> >40-ish...................... 48
>> >Adventurer............... Has had more partners than you ever will
>> >Athletic.................... Flat-chested
>> >Average looking....... Ugly
>> >Beautiful................... Pathological liar
>> >Contagious Smile...... Bring your penicillin
>> >Educated.................. College dropout
>> >Emotionally Secure... Medicated
>> >Feminist................... Fat, ball buster
>> >Free spirit................ Substance user
>> >Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as a slut
. >> >Fun....................... Annoying
>> >Gentle..................... Comatose
>> >Good Listener......... Borderline Autistic
>> >New-Age............... All body hair, all the time
>> >Old-fashioned......... Lights out, missionary position only
>> >Open-minded........... Desperate
>> >Outgoing.............. Loud
>> >Passionate............ Loud
>> >Poet..................... Depressive Schizophrenic
>> >Professional.......... Bitch
>> >Redhead............... Shops the Clairol section
>> >Romantic.............. Looks better by candle light
>> >Voluptuous............ Very Fat
>> >Weight proportional to height............. Hugely Fat
>> >Wants Soulmate........ One step away from stalking
>> >Widow................. Nagged first husband to death
>> >Young at heart........ Toothless crone
>> >
>> >THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
>> >
>> >40-ish........... ..... 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
>> >Athletic............... Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
>> >Average looking........ Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
>> >Educated............... Will always treat you like an idiot
>> >Free Spirit............ Sleeps with your sister
>> >Friendship first....... As long as friendship involves nudity
>> >Fun.................... Good with a remote and a six pack
>> >Good looking........... Arrogant bastard
>> >Honest................. Pathological Liar
>> >Huggable............... Overweight, more body hair than a bear
>> >Like to cuddle......... Insecure, overly dependent
>> >Mature................. Until you get to know him
>> >Open-minded............ Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
>> >Physically fit......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
>> >Poet................... Has written on a bathroom stall
>> >Spiritual.............. Once went to church with his grandmother
>> >Stable................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
>> >Thoughtful............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer

Jeffrey R. Stenzel, M.D. (and wife)
Courtesy David Wachstock

[Color Line]

Bill and Monica

What will Bill give Monica for Chanukah?
A new dress? A blue dress?
Or a name change perhaps, to Veronica?

And what is for Bill, there on Capitol Hill?
A new Harold Ickes? A few well-placed quickies?
Or will Congress move in for the kill?

Has not Mr. Starr just gone way way too far
In his porno and pontification?
As Congress draws blood in a partisan flood
The whole world just laughs at our nation.

(Now this would be funny were it not just so sad!)

[Color Line]

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